And the band played on

It's hard to have a crisis of faith when one is not even sure anymore in what to have faith. I've always had faith in myself, and I've always come through for myself. But for a while now I've wondered if even that is enough anymore. For many their faith gets them through tough times - usually faith in God, Allah, or whatever deity to which they can relate (Atheists notwithstanding, but even then there is still faith in oneself).

I've always relied on the fact that I can always count on myself. I can always rely on myself. I will always figure something out. It's what keeps me going. It's why I keep pushing myself - always forward, never straight.

But what happens when that isn't enough anymore? When the light starts to fade? When you have fought for so long to get to a point where the faith in oneself just might be rewarded in some fashion what happens if that isn't enough anymore. After having to dig deep for so long to muster the will to keep fighting is there anything left when the fight is over? Is the fight over or is it just a few minutes to catch one's breath? What if you don't know anymore?

There is an adage that a "rising tide lifts all ships" but I wonder something...what if the ship has taken on too much water.

There have been times the last several months where some very dark and disturbing thoughts have crossed my mind and during those times I find myself tested - Do I have anything left? How far down into ones own self can be reached before you hit bottom? And when that happens, then what? Keep digging? Find a new bottom? I've never been one to quit and I haven't yet but being beat is different from quitting.

This could be a week where some of these questions might find answers. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore nor do I trust myself half the time it seems. I just keep moving, keeping pushing, keep fighting to go forward through it all. How far back do I have to go? Where's the line? Each time I think I'm making progress regarding home, work, or love lives the illusion seems to collapse in on itself, leaving me to wonder if it was real to begin with or am I fighting so hard for anything that resembles "light" - because the deeper down I go, the darker things get.

I'm still fighting. I'm still keeping the faith in myself.

I don't know how much I have left but the band keeps playing on.