The Blank Page

I am, in part, a writer. I've written four books, three have been published (the fourth was lost when the publisher closed their technical division). I've also written countless reports, proposals, and other various sorts of official documents as part of my job. I've written blogs, random musings, and the occasional "to do" list. Each of these writings all have one thing in common, they start with a blank page.

The blank page is a curse.

The blank page is a promise.

The curse is found in the limitless possibilities of just "where do I start?" My father (a 30+ year professional writer before he died) once said "the worst thing a writer can do is start with just a blank page" What he meant is that the writer's mind has a tendency to edit itself during the creative thought process. Whenever I'm asked by others how to start writing I always answer with advice I follow myself - "just start putting the words down on the paper, you can always move them around later, but get them out of your head and on to the paper".

The promise is found in the same limitless possibilities, with the only restriction being how fast one can transcribe their thoughts, be it handwriting or typing. Stephen King wrote in his book "On Writing" to "write what you know". He went on to say "for example, if you're a plumber, write about a plumber on a spaceship." The idea here is to stretch the boundaries and not limit yourself, but write what you know and the words will almost naturally find themselves on paper.

The blank page is perfect in it's possibilities but that does not mean we must be perfect in our marking of this blank page. The joy is not found in the white spaces between the words, but the words themselves with the emotion, curiosity, understanding, and wonder they bring.

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll

It has been a while since I last wrote and a lot has happened since then, the most significant being that I've come a long way back from the bottom. In my last blog I alluded to some dark thoughts but I could never bring myself to actually put those thoughts on paper - it was enough they were rattling around in my head and I felt if I kept them there it would keep them from becoming real.

Not soon after that last blog I started a new job as a Project/Program Manager (contract) at the FBI and, in short, I love it!

First, I knew I was getting burned out in the sales and sales engineering world but I didn't realize just how burned out I was until I completely walked away from it. I could feel myself just going through the motions with the "[Insert customer name here] blah blah blah" speech followed by the same questions/objections, further followed by my own counterpoints. For what? To get on a plane and go to the next customer meeting and do it all over again? I didn't mind the travel but it was starting to feel non-productive, a true "flight to nowhere".

Second, I was on the hamster wheel of a slow, painful, soul-sucking, monotonous, melancholy death. I've done the sales/sales engineering thing before but there were goals accomplished, deals closed, contracts signed, and engineering problems to solve. There was a purpose to it still. This last go around was just the same never-ending insanity as defined by Albert Einstein (performing the same task in a repeated manner expecting a different result each time). Granted, company ownership was a significant contributor to these issues, but I was the one "out there" in front of customers, not them.

Third, I love that I am doing what I love - running a technical team. Solving problems. Making a difference. The work my team and I are doing has already had an immediate impact on the Forensics Lab, and soon will be Counterterrorism, Counterintelligence, and Innocent Images (the "kiddie porn" investigators). It's making a difference and contributing to a greater good. It's also doing work that has only really been done in theory elsewhere, yet we're making it happen. When vendors tell us "that can't be done" and our response is "Oh? But we're doing it" - it's a great feeling to know that you are part of something greater and really pushing the boundary.

I'm not completely back from the brink as there are still issues with the house and finances, but I'm back to a point where each day I'm looking forward with hope, and not anxiety. I definitely feel like I'm on the upswing and starting to feel a lot better about myself.

As Brian Johnson, and the rest of AC/DC, sings..."It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll", and I plan on putting on a good show when I get there, because that's where I'm headed.