Sesame Street: The Dark Underbelly

Case 97-875792 / Ernie's Problems With Alcohol And Women

We tailed Ernie to a local bar one evening and watched him suck down nine double Jack and Cokes within an hours time. He then got up and stumbled around the bar with his pants down yelling "Who wants to wrestle the Bald Headed Champ?" Ernie had also offered several young ladies in the bar various amounts of money for sexual favors. Bert was called to come pick him up and Ernie has since been banned from the bar for life. On a side note the bar was fire bombed a few days later. Ernie has been questioned in this incident, but charges have yet to be filed. We shot this photo as Bert was helping Ernie get home and seconds before

Ernie puked on Bert for the third time.

Case 92-248834 / Ernie's Attempt to Corrupt Bert

Here's A picture we dug up from the archives. The look on Bert's face says it all. Ernie's favorite hang out is a Juice Bar on the South side of Sesame Street called The Jugg Shack, This picture was taken when Ernie had tricked Bert into thinking that a Pigeon Exposition was going on inside. Bert was overheard asking several times "Where are the Pigeons Ernie?" Shortly after this picture was taken Ernie bought Bert a lap dance and he passed out.

Case 95-423885 / The Brutal Beating Of Bert 

This picture was smuggled out of the S.S.P.D. It's of Ernie after one of his numerous arrest in early to mid '95. Ernie in an apparent jealous rage killed all of Bert's Pigeons. He then went down to Mr. Hooper's Market and attempted to sell them to Mr. Hooper as Capon Chickens, Mr. Hooper already under investigation for selling Dog meat in place of Pork declined Ernie's offer. Authorities suspect Ernie later took his revenge, Mr. Hooper was mugged and sexually assaulted on his way home that same evening. When questioned by police all Mr. Hooper could remember is a sharp blow to his head and then seeing a short guy with crazy hair wearing a striped shirt. He remembers being sodomized., all the while his attacker was yelling "Let's see you not take this meat, bitch!." To this date Ernie has not been charged with this crime, however he does remain the main suspect.

Later that same evening when Bert returned home from his date with Grover, he went to check on his Pigeons and found them missing. Bert upset over the disappearance of his beloved Pigeons went to confront

Ernie. Details on what happened next are sketchy at best but, The police were called to respond to reports of a loud ruckus at Ernie and Bert's apartment. When they arrived they found the apartment in shambles and

Bert huddled behind the toilet rocking back and forth all the while mumbling "I don't have any pigeons, I've never had any pigeons." Closer examination by the Sesame Street Paramedics revealed Bert had been brutally beaten with a paper clip pimpstick. Ernie was promptly arrested.

Case 96-322212 / Crime Scene Photo Of Bert After A Beating

This is a Police crime scene photo of Bert after a horrendous beating at the hands of Ernie and his paper clip pimpstick. Bert suffered a broken nose, a black eye, a bloody lip, an especially nasty cut on his head that required nine stitches to close, and if you look closely you can see the bruises on Bert's neck from where Ernie had attempted to strangle him. Bert refused to press any charges.

(I do not claim original authorship or other copyright to this material. -MJC)